Improving the Co-Parenting Experience Is Better for the Family

Most New Jersey parents support a co-parenting relationship after a separation or divorce, with about 95% of them believing that it is in the child’s best interest to spend as much as time with each parent as possible. The co-parenting relationship is a delicate one that can result in high conflict, but there are things co-parents can do to ensure that they maintain a positive, successful relationship that benefits the whole family.

Start With a Strong Co-Parenting Plan

An important tool in a successful co-parenting relationship is a strong plan. With one in hand, even if everything is not perfect, you have a guide to refer to about how to handle many situations. Taking the time to make a detailed plan that goes beyond the basics of the parenting calendar and a few more items can help co-parents deal with and resolve difficult situations when they arise. You can work with your divorce lawyer to create a parenting plan tailored to your family’s needs. Some of the other things you can address in the plan include:

• Communication methods and frequency
• Education
• Medical care
• Special days, vacations and other holidays
• Chores and other children’s responsibilities in both homes
• Extracurricular activities
• Introducing new romantic partners to the children
• Emergencies
• Changes to the plan

Communication Is at the Center of the Co-Parenting Relationship

As with any other successful relationship, positive and respectful communication is at the center. While when you were married you might have had a lot of conflict, as co-parents, you will need to navigate those feelings so that you can figure out the best way to continue communicating for the sake of your children’s well-being. If you find that talking face to face, for example, only leads to bitter arguing, you have other options at hand, such as communicating via email, text messages or one of the online services developed to help co-parenting families communicate effectively. You should also figure out what the best frequency for communication is between you and your co-parent and the topics that should be addressed. It is always best to keep the conversation focused on issues that affect the children.

Establish Clear Boundaries

Establishing clear boundaries early on in the co-parenting relationship can help you reach success. This will ensure you keep that relationship respectful in all areas and that you will receive respect as well. Boundaries also provide stability to the relationship between the co-parents, which can, in turn, be seen by the children. If your boundaries are strong and respected, you can avoid unnecessary arguments and conflict. Boundaries that may be set include:

• Always speaking in a positive manner about the child’s other parent and encouraging that relationship
• Never involving the child in the relationship between the parents or asking them to choose between the parents
• Setting rules about the topics of communication, including agreeing to not comment on each other’s private lives
• Following the parenting plan as faithfully as possible

Learn to Take a Step Back

In many romantic relationships, one of the things that first fails is communication. There might be an instant reaction from a partner who feels wronged, triggering an even bigger reaction which builds up the tension. However, to succeed with your co-parenting relationship, it is important to learn to take a step back. Give yourself time to breathe and consider what your next decision will be. It is not necessary to reply instantly to a message or call from your co-parent, particularly one that angers you, unless it is an important emergency that affects the child.

Taking the time to pause, breathe and consider things once you are calm will not only help the co-parenting relationship remain steady, but it will also show your children that you can handle difficult situations maturely. It will even help you emotionally and physically, giving you time to process situations and feelings, decreasing your emotional stress. While it might be easier to avoid an instant reaction to an email or text message, you can also do it on a call. For example, you can reassure your co-parent that you have listened to the issue and understand that it is important to them, but that you will need a day or so to think about it and respond.

Recognize That Parents Have Different Styles

Another way to ensure that your co-parenting relationship works well is to accept and understand that the two of you might have different parenting styles. Your co-parent might not make the same decisions that you make and might not run their household the same way. Accepting this is important. As long as the children are safe, loved and cared for, respecting your co-parent’s style and receiving their respect for your style will go a long way toward making the situation work. Varying parenting styles might even be beneficial to your children, as it can help them learn the importance of adapting to different situations. If the styles are so different that they are causing issues or if the co-parent is ignoring the parenting plan, you can speak to your divorce lawyer about your options on how to handle this.

Be Consistent

While different parenting styles are okay, you should both strive for consistency in communication and in the rules and expectations for the children in both homes. Children should keep similar schedules at both homes and follow the same rules. For example, it is always a good idea to have the same or highly similar bedtime during weekdays for the children, no matter which home they are staying in. This can help keep their day-to-day schedule stable as well. For the benefit of the children, parents should even establish what disciplinary measures will be followed. For example, children should be clear about what the consequences of breaking rules will be regardless of which parent they are staying with. This will help the children understand what is expected of them at each home without going back and forth and having to figure out new rules each time. It can also aid in avoiding situations where the children will try to use one parent’s rules against the other.

Remember That Flexibility Will Help You Manage the Relationship

Even if you have crafted a strong plan and you have both committed to a respectful, positive co-parenting relationship, there might be bumps along the way. There could be emergency scheduling changes or even more long-term serious changes needed. That is why being flexible and understanding that the co-parenting journey is always evolving is important to ensure that you are successful and that your children receive the best parenting possible.

Find the Right Family Law Attorney for You

Finding a lawyer who understands your situation and supports you is also important for your co-parenting journey. At The Law Offices of Kelly Berton Rocco, we are ready to listen to your concerns and help you create a plan. Our focus is family law, and we can be there with you every step of the way. If you feel ready to begin the conversation, reach out to us at 201-343-0078, via email at office@bertonrocco.com or through our Contact Us page to set up a consultation at our Hackensack, New Jersey offices.